Untitled

I have started my 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge. I don't know if the Bikram folks call it a challenge, but I do. This is day five. I officially have yoga brain. I'm misplacing things, forgetting stuff, it's crazy. And honestly, I find myself wondering what the hell I'm doing? It feels a bit relentless. I just keep thinking about the poses I can't do. The places my body won't go. My knees and tops of my feet feel like they are being rubbed off with steel wool. And I am finding it hard to get anything not yoga related done.

I feel tugged in a million directions at work. I don't know that I am really accomplishing anything. And I find myself wondering what the hell I am going to do if I don't have a job in September. Old mistakes keep creeping up and ruining my progress. My depression caused me to mess a lot of things up. I am still trying to clean up old spills. I'm tired of it.

I'm sick of all the loose skin. My boobs and my belly getting in the way. I have two lumps in my neck that won't go away. I don't want to go to the doctor because I don't want to get bad news. But I am producing a lot of saliva and it's very uncomfortable during yoga. So I will go. Dammit.

I'm all out of sorts.

I have a sneaky suspicion that this all part of process. Part of that inside out, bones to skin crap.