Shape Shifting

I have spent most of my life at 300+ pounds. I was pretty miserable and I didn't have much of a life. All I really did was eat, sleep and work. I thought it was me against the world and the rest of the world was the problem.

I had finally gotten to he point where I felt like crap all the time. I literally felt like I was dying. I couldn't shop in department stores anymore. I had to buy all of my clothes on line. I was up to a size 30/32. Can't find that size in the store. I could barely get any sleep. And when I did, it was usually the result of crying myself to sleep. I was worried about all the things that were going wrong and would continue to go wrong. Every choice I made was wrong. I didn't like anything about my life or myself. My job turned ugly and I couldn't find another. Nothing I tried worked. I felt like such a failure. I hated myself and everybody else.


That was honestly the darkest time of my life. I went to a therapist because I knew something was wrong. I was diagnosed with long term depression. I was on medication for a short time. But what really changed things for me, was changing the negative conversations I was having with myself. I looked back and I couldn't remember the last time I had a positive thought. I always jumped straight to the negative. I had to learn to be kind to myself and accept that I didn't have to be a superwoman or pretend like I couldn't be hurt. In the beginning, when I had a negative thought, which was almost constantly, I would say the exact opposite out loud. Sounds hokie, nut it really worked for me. Now positive thoughts aren't an effort for me.

All of the sudden, I realized that I had been standing in a dark room for a very long time. Then the light came on. I started looking around, and I didn't like what I saw. Things changed because they had to. I couldn't "un-see" the truth of the matter.

Top of my list of problems to tackle: my weight. I went to my brother's gym and I started working out. I hated every minute of it. My trainer kept pushing me out of my comfort zone. Demanding more. I couldn't have done any of this without him. I had tried and failed at losing weight many times. Or I lost some weight and then gained it back. But this time was different. It had to be. It was literally life and death.



11/2008- 334lbs 3/2010 - 232lbs

I'm not going to lie, the first four to five months were misery for me. But my trainer and my brother wouldn't let me give up. I was crying myself to sleep for a different reason: my body hurt from working out. And then one day when I wasn't paying attention, I started pushing myself. I would go a little faster on the treadmill each week. Stay on the elliptical 5 more minutes every week. I started writing down my progress and setting new goals weekly. Next thing you know, I'm running. I run slow, but I run. I have had plenty of set backs. Some weeks, my weight would not move. Or God forbid, I would gain. But I never gave up. Fifteen months later, I weigh 102 pounds less.

I am happy now. I honestly couldn't say that before. But, it wasn't just losing weight. I had to change the way I see the world first. Then I changed my body. And now everything is different. Better. I barely recognize myself -inside and out.

People keep asking me how I did it. It was very hard physically and emotionally. I had a lot of demons to conquer. All of them in my head.

So here is the prescription: Portion control, constantly increasing physical activity and tears. Accept that your body will hurt from now on and learn to like it. My brother, the powerlifter, says that's weakness leaving the body. Most importantly, decide that you're not going to give up on yourself. Not one more time. No matter what. Make up your mind every day and your body will eventually catch up.

I'm still dying. In the sense that we all are. But now I'm thriving along the way. I'm only half way there. I lost 100lbs but I'm still fat. I have started the second leg of my journey and I have decided to blog about it. Just in case there is someone who needs to read it.